A Weary Widow
TRAVELING WITHOUT YOU
Traveling without you is hard. That’s me talking to my dead husband.
We used to travel together all the time. When we met we were in college and on the weekends we’d fill up his Jeep and just drive around the country roads around Tuscaloosa for hours. Our honeymoon was a road trip to Savannah and Hilton Head, where we explored the city and also kayaked with dolphins. We caught a travel bug and never looked back.
When Brian decided to go to recording school in Mesa, we drove cross country to get him settled at school. We fell even deeper in love with road trips and loved camping along the way, while also taking side roads just to see where the brown signs might lead us. Parks and monuments abound in our country. We’re lucky to have such an interesting diversity in landscape from one place to another.
I loved planning our trips, getting camping and attraction guides, and imagining all the adventures that awaited us. Brian and I were beyond lucky to have visited all the places we did. We didn’t go luxury and typically traveled with a tight budget in mind. Getting the most bang for our buck was always the plan. Our favorite places we got to see together are Alaska, Yellowstone and Yosemite.
When Brian got ALS we continued to travel and get out as much as we could. Over time, the outings got to be fewer and fewer and rightfully so. I’m so glad we did what we could while we could. No money or time spent on travel was wasted. We made so many memories. Lots of times, we traveled for a show. It’s something else we loved doing together. Love music had been another one of our things since the time we met.
I’ve been to a couple of shows since he passed away. It would have been more if it weren’t for Covid. I still LOVE to travel and I still LOVE a live show. To this day, I wake up early and get excited. I’m all packed and ready for DMB in Dallas this weekend. Same thing…woke up early, all excited and ready to go.
But now there’s a weird feeling that hangs out among the excitement and good anxiety. It’s an anxiety associated with the travel that I haven’t experienced before. I don’t mind driving, I don’t mind flying and the airport and security and the show and the crowd and all that. I’m fine with all that. Along with it, though, I feel some sort of guilt. That I’m getting to do something fun and Brian’s dead. I can’t explain it and it doesn’t make sense because I know Brian would want me to go and have fun but I have a guilty feeling.
It also just makes me incredibly sad on another level. I’m so happy and relieved to be able to come and go, and do fun things, Brian isn’t here to do them with me and it kills me. It hurts my heart and I ache to be able to share the experiences of life with him again.
Sigh. The feelings of being a widow. It’s so hard to lose your person. The pain and reality of it makes me softer to humans, as I know I’m not the only person who has lost their favorite someone. It also makes me a little bitter, but with a more open perspective to life in general.
So here I go. On a big ol’ jet plane to see some of my other favorite people in the world. And to see one of my favorite bands that I used to see with Brian every single year. I know he’ll be there, even still. I love you, Brian. I miss you and can’t wait to see you again one day. We’ll boogie down at all the shows in the sky, for damn sure. xoxoxo
If you’re wondering about the art above, it’s one that Brian created using nothing but his eyes. Check out our Etsy shop for more of his amazing designs. (Created while he was completely paralyzed with ALS.)
