A Weary Widow
I MISS THE OLD ME
I miss the old me. The one that could get it all done, that could balance so many things well. When Brian first died all I did was sleep. Years of sleep deprivation and anticipatory grief had exhausted me. So for the few weeks, I slept and cried.
Then, as someone who can’t sit still, I got restless. I felt a calling to find a way to help others who were on a similar journey with ALS. I reached out to a non-profit organization that had been incredibly helpful to us and talked to their Executive Director. They’d been looking for another person to hire but with Covid the search had been paused. That search was to resume soon, then I called. The timing was perfect!
After some phone calls and an interview, I was offered the job of Associate Director. Beyond excited for the opportunity, I got started learning the software and systems and got to work. My boss and I met at the office a few times to do some training and from then on I’ve mostly worked from home, which is wonderful and flexible.
At my corporate job of 15 years, I was at the top of my game. I used to arrive to the office at 6 am, would work a full day there until 6, then I’d go home and work some more and I loved it. At this point in my life, I have no desire to spend that much of my day working, but I still enjoy staying busy and helping others. But the me then wouldn’t know who the me now is. She would look at this present me with pity and probably a little bit of annoyance because I just can’t get anything right these days!
I’m laughing as I type this but earlier I was boo-hoo’ing because I made an error on a website page for one of our events. I worked on it last night at 10 pm and didn’t click the Republish Page button and the link was broken when someone tried to sign up. My boss fixed it at 11 pm last night because I’d logged off by then. I tried! And yet, I’m beating myself up over the error, even though it was an honest mistake.
My poor boss can’t keep up with all my errors. I swear, the harder I try, the more I fail! I stress over things and try to double check and then somehow I make another error I wasn’t thinking about. It’s hard to explain but my brain just does not work like it used to. I have trouble reading and can only read a little bit at a time and have to really pay attention or I won’t comprehend.
I miss the old me! I didn’t make stupid mistakes and things just seemed to flow so much more easily. At the same time, I didn’t have the flexibility of this job and I certainly didn’t get the same feeling I do now when I help people who are also at very low points in their lives. A light shines in my heart and I feel all warm and fuzzy when I hear the relief in people’s voices when I’m a part of helping them.
So as long as my boss can keep giving me grace while I rise up, then I’m not going to give up! I often want to throw in the towel and give up but I won’t! I’m going to keep getting stronger and smarter and better and I’m going to kick ass and keep trying to make the world a better place!! Doesn’t mean I won’t cry about it and have a mini pity party from time to time, but that’s okay. This grief is hard and as much as I beat myself up about what I’m not doing right, I’ve got to also pat myself on the back for pressing on in life and continuing to do good and find joy as much as I can.
If you’re grieving and struggling, I hope this brain dump helps in some way. I miss the old me and I know that I won’t ever be her again. My goal is to accept that and embrace the me that I am becoming.
If you’re wondering about the art above, it’s one that Brian created using nothing but his eyes. Check out our Etsy shop for more of his amazing designs. (Created while he was completely paralyzed with ALS.)
