A little goes a long way.
Yesterday was a ‘me’ day. I used two gift cards, one for nails and one for a facial, as these are absolute luxuries in my life at this point. Though rushed and frantic as most days are when we have a nurse, it was still pretty wonderful and it felt nice to be pampered.
Another caregiver once told me that with ALS, the world felt colder to her. It does to me too. The lack of empathy in the healthcare community is something I’ve sadly come to expect.
Yet twice yesterday during natural conversation I told someone something along the lines of “my husband is really, really sick with ALS. He’s completely paralyzed and on a breathing machine. We have a nurse there….I can only get out once a week so this is soooo nice.” Not in a sad, about to cry way but just in context, even as if to tout their service a bit more and maybe let them know the day was special for me.
Nothing.
Just a nod and on to the next thing. What, was I expecting a discount or something? Hell no, of course not! Y’all know I’m not one to play the sympathy card but damn. A simple recognition of what I’d just said would have been nice.
On the other hand, how many people tell you something like that? How would I have responded ten years ago if someone had told me that? I’ve realized over time that part of my experiences have to do with the level of my expectations, yet when I step back and assess I remember that ALS is not a disease that everyone has experience with at all. Most people have no idea what it even is. Brian and I didn’t really know before he had his first symptoms.
I have to keep that in mind.
I’ll notice at the grocery store sometimes that when I’m checking out that the cashier won’t greet me, much less even look at me. Lots of times I just stare at them and wait, then say with bubbly excitement, “Hey! How’s your day going?!” Most of the time they warm up and then begin to converse but geez. A little social experiment I like to conduct from time to time.
In college I worked at Toys-R-Us (yep) and part of my shift was cashiering. I liked interacting with customers. Not only that but it really was an expectation of the job. Great customer service can make all the difference in a customer’s overall experience and perception of a business. Plus, isn’t it just human to be nice and speak to each other? Maybe at least try to attempt to fully experience an exchange with another human that you might never cross paths with again?
One of the reasons I was so good at my job as a Customer Service Rep was because I listened to the customers. How proud I would be when I turned a call around. When a customer thanks you at the end of a call where they were literally calling you a bitch in the beginning? That feels so great!
It doesn’t just happen, though. It takes patience and active listening. Obviously the customer doesn’t know me personally and doesn’t know whether I’m actually being a bitch that day, so it’s not me, it’s the situation. And isn’t that what frustrates most people? Situations. Issues. Things they either can’t control or don’t feel they have control over.
Empathy feels good to get. Just like gifts, empathy feels good to GIVE, too. And, I find the more you give, the more you get. Pretty much how life goes, right?!
These are small examples. Wait til you hear our stories about empathy related to Brian’s care. Yowza. Working on those for the podcast!
For now, from these musings comes a list of easy ways to show empathy.
FIVE WAYS TO SHOW EMPATHY
1. Listen. The simplest and most basic way is to actively listen when someone is speaking. Consider the names they say, listen to the relationships of those people to them. When someone shares something personal it’s a trust thing. They trust you to tell you so be sure to listen.
2. Acknowledge. Nod your head in agreement, raise your eyebrows in disbelief, laugh at the ridiculousness of a situation, something. Be mindful to make eye contact. Do something to show the other person that you’re actually listening.
3. Ask for more information. Not always necessary but if I share something like the fact that my husband is terminally ill then I’ve opened the door into that conversation, so if you’re curious, ask a general question first and feel it out from there.
4. Don’t Fix / Don’t Judge. All you gotta to is listen and care. Hell, pretend to care if you’re not in the mood. Most of the time I’m just looking for someone to hear me and act as if I matter in some small way. If someone is sharing be aware not to judge and try not to offer advice unless asked.
5. Hugs are free! OK, well certainly not appropriate in every situation but I can’t tell you how much I LOVE a hug. When certain home care workers or nurses or friends come over I get all the hugs I can get. If it’s a newer nurse or someone like that, I’ll simply ask, “Can I give you a hug?” But what I really mean is, “Can I get a hug from you?” Pardon me if I hold on a little too long or a little too tight. I appreciate your empathy more than you know.
